They say anxiety is not real. Let me tell you how real it is. I am sitting here, crying and shivering because I’m scared. Scared of what? Scared of ‘nothing‘. And this nothing is not your nothing. This nothing is actually something but its nothing that you or I have seen or felt. This nothing is something bigger than death because I swear that there are moments when I feel like dying is better than dealing with this fear.
Now you’d say- “If you’ve figured out that it’s nothing, why haven’t you learned to ‘ignore’ or ‘beat’ it?” But you know what? This ‘nothing’, changes. There is a new nothing every damn time. I’ve written journals, identified triggers, meditated, created a healthy routine, taken medicines, tried seeking help; even made an emotional first-aid kit- but what can you really do about nothing? Nothing, right?
What if someone told you that you’re not really scared?
That it’s just the voices of other people in your head?
When you want to sit alone for hours but there’s a voice telling you- “it’s abnormal”. When you suddenly start crying because you remembered something from the past and there’s a voice telling you “you’re too sensitive; it’s abnormal”. When you want to cry for no reason but that voice tells you- “it’s abnormal”. When you realise that you want to leave the job that you are currently in and that voice tells you- “you’re being stupid; it’s abnormal”. When you want to feel too much and it says- “that’s not how you should behave; it’s abnormal”. When you don’t want to feel at all and it says- “you’re being insensitive; it’s abnormal”.
When you want to join that piano class where most of the students are 10 years younger than you and it says- “don’t be impulsive; it’s abnormal”. When you want to do what they are doing and they say- “it’s abnormal”. When you don’t feel like it’s worth your energy and it says- “it’s abnormal”. When you love them and it says- “it’s abnormal”. When you say you hate them and it says- “it’s abnormal”.
When you say you feel disconnected and it says- “it’s abnormal”. When even before a thought crosses your mind, a voice stops it and screams- “IT’S NOT NORMAL”.
What if someone told you that you have lost your voice in the fight between their voices and your voice? What if someone told you that you are not really scared; they are scared and they want you to be scared? What if someone told you that your voice has to fight and claim it’s territory again? What if someone told you that you don’t really have to fight the world; just these voices?
What if you are ‘just yourself’? What if someone told you that ‘they’ have given up and ‘they’ want you to give up? That ‘their’ voice couldn’t claim it’s territory back but you still can?
What if you found out later that ‘you’ were not really scared?